alright so life is going okay! it’s brand new.
in a lot of ways, i thought I could leave behind my past. I intended to, but these past few weeks I’ve realized everything is a continuum. Just because we leave a place, environment, situation, all the complexities within that place and the memories tying us, doesn’t mean they stay there. There isn’t a disconnect unless we create one and that’s what I tried doing, but that’s cutting myself short of my life.
Every experience happens for a reason, wether or not we like what occurred. Yes, some things are really, really unfortunate and a lot of awful things happened to me in my past. But is that all there is to it? Absolutely not! I have strengthened and grown from those specific things, and how I responded to them. If they wouldn’t have happened, I wouldn’t be this young woman typing right now.
I was diagnosed the other day with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I hate diagnoses… they’re scary and that stigmatized and it makes me cringe. But she’s right, it’s true. Hearing that was such a breakthrough for my life because it just sums up what I’ve been going through- something I didn’t have words for, only silent suffering and emotions.
I’m not ashamed, slightly morose that this is where I’m at, when I’m only 21 and my youth has been so sucked into such heavy, burdensome troubles. But maybe this is my life- starting from rock bottom, and accomplishing breakthroughs I never even dreamed possible.
That’s what I’m doing right now, and I’m so happy to be alive, no matter the ups and downs. I have incredible people in my life, and my experience at my new college is absolutely great. Yes, there have been negative, stressful occurrences already… but I’m taking those things in stride, and handling them correctly and with confidence… something I lacked for the majority of my life, which got me into to so many helpless situations.
No longer, man. Here I am, ready to succeed and spread my kindness and love to this world that is so filled with hatred and seperation.
I guess I’m rambling, but I needed to blog. I hope anyone who reads this takes something away, that’s always my intention.
Wild Winter comes
Idk how to really describe my life right now, because it’s so
It really is. It’s been Eight months since I had my miscarriage, almost nine. Eight months since everything changed. But it has been for the absolute better. I have made so many strides in my life, and although I have a brave and energetic approach, secretly I am petrified and just feel like life is so rapid and I’m not quite sure if all my hard work is truly going to pay off. The thought that it won’t…. oh, that just ruins me to think that! Because I refuse.
I refuse to succumb what genetics and fate dealt me. I refuse to be a statistic. I refuse to fail. It’s no longer an option.
I have already hit rock bottom in life, & all I have been doing is going up. It’s almost as if I’m soaring, if I were to compare things. But I don’t want to compare anymore. I just want to let go.
A lot of days I wish I could cling to someone who loved me. But I am learning how to love myself, because my heart is where self-resonation lies, and that’s my goal.
True awakening, true peace. I know I’m heading there. What’s happened internally my whole life is very hard to piece into words, even in the privacy of my journal. Counseling is a constant aggravation cause (I HATE to say it) but I am smarter than my counselor. About everything we’re talking about…. after going to Sibcy house along with my natural intelligence its just…. She doesn’t know what she needs to know in order to be on the same page as me. But she has invested herself in me and I in her, so I haven’t quit.
It’s so odd that everything here is coming to a true end. I mean, everything’s impermanent, but a symbolic finality- I am moving away and starting a whole new “life”. It’s what I’ve needed for too many years now. I have been stuck in what I consider a humongous hell.
Lately I’ve been kissing things goodbye. Like after a situation, I just sort of feel a bit nostalgic and blissful and blow a kiss as I’m leaving. No one sees, but it’s my way of saying- I accept and am at peace. Life is continuing.
<3 I feel like I am so different in this world, a black sheep, the Scarlet letter branded across my forehead. But, my uniqueness is only negative if I want it to be. & in regards to those who try to drag me down? I need to constantly remind myself
fuck them and lets see if they can keep up.